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Truth Day 3: I Forgive Me

February 12, 2011

I am a Taurus (screw you, new zodiac signs… I’m a Taurus!), and one major feature of Tauruses is that we are stubborn.  I mean, come on.  Our sign is the bull.  Of course we’re stubborn!  With stubbornness comes the inability to let go of what went wrong.  I have so many memories in my mind that should just be let go, like how embarrassed I was when I paid for my then-boyfriend’s movie ticket one our first date because I had no idea how these things worked.  It’s a bunch of little experiences that stick with me for no reason.

But there is one that does stick with me for good reason.  It was one of the last days in August, a few days before my senior year of college started.  I had just moved into my dorm room to help with freshman orientation, and early one morning I got a phone call from my sister.  My grandfather had had a stroke.  They were rushing him to the hospital, which happened to be in the same town as my college.  She called again once she and my parents had reached the hospital, and it wasn’t good.  I rushed to tell my orientation superiors that I couldn’t be there that day and flew to the hospital.

The stroke had been a large one.  Most of my relatives were already there, save for a few cousins who were coming in from out of state.  I automatically began crying and tried to be as strong for my grandmother as possible.  I’m still tearing up as I think about to it.  My grandmother urged me to sit on the side of my grandfather and hold his hand.  And I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t.  I don’t do well in emergency situations, and I just couldn’t allow myself to be the center of attention in that way in the moment.

I knew he “knew” I was there, but I still cannot forgive myself for not sitting there and holding his hand.  I should have done it when I had the chance.  It’s something that I still struggle to think about, but I have mostly come to peace with it.  He loved me, I loved him, and he knew it.  It’s something I will regret, though, for the rest of my life.  I need to be able to fully forgive myself and remember the good parts of his life instead.

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