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Day 1: What Do You Hate About Yourself?

February 10, 2011

I shy away from using the word “hate.”  I really think it should be up there with a four-letter word that starts with F that I don’t let my students use, so I am going to change it to “really don’t like.”

I don’t really like my fixation on my weight and the effects it has on my self esteem.  Weight has almost always gone with worth in my mind, though not when I think about other people.  This is just a personal worth thing I have about myself.  If someone else is overweight?  I don’t care or don’t see it.  People are people, and I am more interested in their personalities and qualities.  When it comes to me, I don’t see how many kids I have helped during the day; I see how many carbs I ate that I shouldn’t have.  I used to cry (and on occasion sometimes still do) in dressing rooms because I would try on ten different items and nothing would fit or look right.  My sister could throw on anything and it would look perfect.  I loathed that.

It sounds completely unrealistic and unhealthy, but please don’t think I have an eating disorder.  I eat healthy, pretty much balanced meals because I know what is good for me.  I am trying to lose weight the natural way, through daily exercise and healthy eating habits.  Every once in a while I will splurge and eat some dessert with B, but it’s not all the time.  During those times, though, I keep feeling guilty and that I need to do 100 sit-ups after to make it all even.  Splurging fail.

I don’t really share my weight frustrations with a lot of people outside of my family because (1) no one wants to hear it and (2) I think it makes me look kind of dumb for being that vain.  I can imagine other people looking at me and thinking, “Why is she complaining?  She looks about normal.  It’s not like she’s on The Biggest Loser.”  But sometimes I think I should be.  I look at those shows and when someone gets to around the weight I am, I keep looking at them and trying to figure out if that’s what I look like to.  Most of the time I wouldn’t want to look that way.

This is something that I am working on, and I have discovered that if I do my best to look at what I’m eating, allow myself to have a little chocolate on the side every once in a while, and exercise regularly, I feel so much better.  I feel like I’m being proactive and not just whining about how I don’t like how I look or feel.  I’m doing something to better myself.  I’m a work in progress.

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